Catherine Townsend

Relationship Guru of the Day: Samuel L. Jackson

2009-12-10T17:30:55Z

I was talking to a girlfriend last night about what to do when you hit the 'stomach drop' stage in a relationship - i.e. the point where it's fairly new, but you actually start caring enough to be really bummed if the guy bails out. I suppose I could go to a therapist and talk about my abandonment issues, but I find that what works wonders for me in situations like this is a little creative visualisation. I have an unlikely relationship guru: Samuel L. Jackson's hit man character from Pulp Fiction. There's a great scene in the diner where Amanda Plummer's skittish wannabee robber is holding a gun on Jules, and he turns the tables on her by screaming 'Tell that bitch to chill out!' It's hilarious, and she goes from hyperactive gunslinger to docile bunny rabbit in two seconds flat. So every time I pick up the phone to drunk dial or send that extra email in a new relationship, I pretend that Samuel is holding a gun to my head telling me not to do anything stupid and asking me 'What's Fonzie like?'. When I get worked up over a situation that largely exists inside my own head, I ask myself: Do I want to be the nutty chick or the one strolling out to to the cool soundtrack? I try to put my phone away and remember his immortal words: 'We're gonna be cool.'

Tiger Count Hits Double Digits

2009-12-10T01:44:36Z

As adult film star Joslyn James raises Tiger Woods' list of tally to 10 (and counting...when did he have time to play golf?!) I was asked to comment on BBC Radio London on whether infidelity is forgivable under any circumstances.
My answer: Sometimes. I think that every situation is different, but in Tiger's case it would be tough to ignore not only his affairs, but his cavalier attitude toward women in general. I agree with Tracy Quan, who wrote in the Daily Beast that Tiger's biggest problem was that he failed not only at monogamy, but at basic harem management--and common sense. Would Mindy Lawton, the $8-an-hour waitress, have called him a 'selfish, heartless man' if Tiger had been a bit more thoughtful? It sounds counterintuitive, but it may have been better for his family if he had been honest with himself about what his needs were. Then he could have hired prostitutes who may have been less likely to sell him out instead of leading on starstruck girls with totally crazy dreams of being the next Mrs. Woods. Maybe the real question is why we put sportsmen on such a high pedestal in the first place. Just because Tiger is a fantastic golfer doesn't mean that he's a fantastic human being.

Case in point: If it's true that Tiger talked about giving his wife a 'Kobe special' (referring to the $4 million plus diamond ring that the basketball star gave his wife when he was accused of raping a young hotel employee and forced to admit adultery) to make the problem go away, he's lucky that his wife only hit him with a golf club. As I said on the radio, I don't understand why people get married and then continue to sleep around. Finally, I'm really tired of the argument that human's aren't naturally monogamous. There may be some truth to this from an evolutionary standpoint, but hopefully we are also evolved enough as people to have a choice, especially when there are children involved. I mean, if everyone just did exactly what they wanted to do, all the time, I could masturbate and order pizza all day instead of ever working. At some point, we learn impulse control. Tiger's biggest problem isn't his wandering hands, it's his arrogance.

Female Viagra: Part Two

2009-12-03T17:15:41Z

The New York Times Magazine has an interesting piece on women with low libido. As researchers revise the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, they admit that around 30 percent of women go through periods of not wanting any sex at all. So is lust something that can be put into a pill? Flibanserin has been hailed as 'the female Viagra' but studies show that it the test group taking the drug only had one more satisfying sexual encounter per month than the placebo group. Also, unlike the patch or Viagra, Flibanserin has to be taken daily for weeks to have any effect. For some women who are suffering from lack of desire, the drug could be a great help. But is low sex drive really a 'mental disorder'? What about all of the women out there who are happy living without sex? Or those whose low desire is a result of an emotionally absent or sexually inept partner? The Times piece points out that sexually starts in the mind...if that's true, I find it hard to believe you can fix complex emotional issues by popping a pill.

Belle de Jour exposed

2009-11-17T03:16:50Z

So Belle de Jour, the formerly anonymous prostitute/blogger/author has finally been unmasked as a PhD. The press is debating everything from the dangers of anonymity to what her parents think (of course, someone has already tracked down her estranged dad). I can understand why she wanted to write under a pseudonym to protect her privacy; I agonised over whether or not to use a pen name when I wrote my book. Eventually, I decided that I didn't want to, because a) I wasn't ashamed to be having sex (it's not like I was protecting state secrets!) and b) I figured that the truth would emerge eventually, and if you try to hide something it always seems like a bigger deal when it eventually comes out. Reading the judgmental comments did make me laugh though: These days people write memoirs about every horror under the sun, so why is sex between consenting adults still such a taboo?

The Marilyn Manson Guide to Surviving a Break-Up

2009-11-07T03:30:09Z

Marilyn Manson doesn't believe in hoovering tubs of Ben and Jerry's after a split. He goes straight for the medicine cabinet, and channels his rage into art. So his new video for 'Running to the Edge of the World' is, surprise surprise, pretty graphic. He kills a bikini-clad girl who looks a LOT like his ex-girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood. Guess talking to Spin magazine about how about how he called her 158 times after they broke up, and took a razor blade and cut himself on his face or his hands--because he, um, wanted to show her the pain she put him through wasn't cathartic enough for him. Oh, and he admits that 'every day' he has 'fantasies about smashing her skull in with a sledgehammer.'

Celebrities often act out elements of their doomed love affairs to sell singles (Justin Timberlake, Peter Andre) but adding murder to the mix definitely ups the weirdness factor. Then again, we've all had dark thoughts after a break-up and Manson isn't acting on any of his homicidal impulses. So, is making a video about murdering a look-alike of your ex therapeutic, or disturbing?

Why do powerful men cheat? Because they can.

2009-10-05T18:08:37Z

After years of blubbering politicians and their crocodile tears, it's pretty ironic that a comedian has set the standard for serious public confessions. David Letterman's straight-talking admission that he's done 'creepy' things, while not his finest hour, was done the right way. No BS public apology, no mention of a higher power, no miserable-looking wife wringing her hands while being forced to stand by her man in the background. He told us what happened (to a sympathetic audience), on his terms, and hopes to move on.

Of course, the press is still trying to dig up dirt--most recently about a so-called secret bedroom that sources are calling 'the bunker' (it's probably closer to a fold-out couch!) But really, if he has had other consensual affairs with staff members, who cares? He cheated because the opportunity was there, and found a pool of willing women after spending intense 15-hour days with them. He's an entertainer, not a politician--so he has no responsibility to maintain a standard of morality. Though to be honest, I respect Dave more than most politicians. Hey, at least he's not a hypocrite.

Baby Daddy Drama

2009-09-30T16:34:02Z

The Frisky has a great piece today on Six Cases of Hollywood Baby Daddy Drama, starting with Jude Law's recent paternity snafu. Samantha Burke has given birth to her child, but he's not visiting the baby until a DNA test comes back positive. Jude isn't the only one to ask for a DNA test: Mel Gibson, Eddie Murphy, and Keanu Reeves have all recently submitted samples.

What did these guys do before DNA? I was watching Fatal Attraction the other night, and it seemed so, well, retro to have to go into court and argue paternity. Now they have ironclad proof. So there's no need to talk trash. So why do they still do it?? Don't pull a Stephen Bing and deny the baby. You can't win either way. If the baby is yours, you look like an evil bastard, and the kid has to read about his father making an idiotic statement for the rest of his life. If the baby isn't yours, you look like a total arse. It's just not nice.

One they didn't mention (it's a US website) was David Blunkett. It may have been a messy situation, but it's nice when a guy actually wants to be the father and accept responsibility.

Roman Polanski finally arrested

2009-09-29T16:13:23Z

So Roman Polanski finally got arrested, and will be fighting extradition on his 32-year-old sex case. I'm not going to go into all of the details of the case, because everyone under the sun already has, but I just have to wonder: Why is Kanye West getting demolished in the press for grabbing the microphone at an awards ceremony, while someone who committed a crime on this level is being defended? Yes, he's made some amazing films over the past few decades. Yeah, I loved 'Chinatown'. And I'm all for him getting a fair trial. But his awards don't change the fact that he drugged, raped and sodomized a 13-year-old child. I don't care if his victim forgave him. It's time to come back to the US and face the music. If there really was 'substantial misconduct' during the original hearing, these charges need to be addressed in court. Unfortunately for Polanski, this can't be tried by a jury at Sundance.

Separate beds = Marital bliss?

2009-09-09T15:02:24Z

I just did an interview on BBC Radio Wales talking about the study that claims sleeping in separate beds is the key to a happy marriage. Some people think that it harms intimacy, but personally, I think that having my own room would be awesome. In some of my past relationships where snoring has been an issue (theirs, not mine!), I've slept in the spare room, and it didn't mean that we were in buttoned-up pyjamas in twin beds. We would have sex, have a cuddle, then I would go into my own private room, so that while he was snoring like a buzzsaw, I slept through the night and was in a much better mood come morning. I'm not saying that it's for everyone, but it's an option worth considering.

I've told my boyfriend that if we ever get married, I want my own bathroom. In my mind, a two-bathroom system seems to be the key to relationship longevity. I don't want to know what happens behind his door, and I don't want him to know about my hair removal regime. As far as he's concerned, I'm naturally hairless below the eyebrows. Period. Maybe that's what my mum meant when she talked about 'preserving some mystery'?

Scottish men clear stores of larger condoms

2009-09-03T10:50:27Z

According to the Daily Express, Scottish men buy larger condoms that their counterparts south of the border. Tesco reports that more of its extra-large condoms had been bought in Glasgow than anywhere else in the UK. The new condoms - 10 mm longer and 1 mm wider than the standard version - went on sale at Tesco earlier this month.

So, what's the real story? Are Scottish men really better hung, or are they buying boxes of extra-large condoms just to look impressive next to the bed?

If a guy is shopping in the chemist with a girl, isn't a man much more likely to reach for the extra-large, especially if he's going to sleep with her for the first time? I'm slightly sceptical of these results.

Plus, of course, size isn't everything. But for those who are curious: Strong sales were also recorded in Cambridge, Manchester, Cardiff, and Bristol.

Risk-taking women have more testosterone?

2009-08-25T08:45:51Z

A new study suggests that risk-taking women have unusually high testosterone levels. Testosterone, of course, is hormone that fuels sex-drive in both men and women and is associated with competitiveness and dominance. Scientists in the U.S. measured the amount of testosterone in saliva samples taken from 500 male and female MBA business students at the University of Chicago. Participants in the study played a computer game that measured their attitude towards risk. The women who took the most risks had the highest levels of testosterone, but this wasn't true for the men.

The scientists say that the study proves testosterone levels between individuals shows differences in economic behaviour and career decisions. But are the so-called 'ruthless women' at the top really chemically different before they enter the boardroom, or is it their job that makes them that way? Women with higher testosterone levels tend to have longer ring fingers than index fingers...but one scientist says that the MBA women would be 'more likely' to develop masculine characteristics as a result of being in a high-pressure environment. Maybe eventually researchers will stop talking about everything in strictly 'male' and 'female' terms...we're chemically complex individuals, and I wonder how much of women's aversion to risk-taking has to do with social pressure, something that this study doesn't mention.

RIP John Hughes

2009-08-10T12:31:14Z

I can't believe that John Hughes is gone. By writing and directing the most iconic teenage movies of the 80s, he had a huge impact on my childhood. Recently Jezebel did an analysis of the ups and downs of having a John Hughes boyfriend. But they only gave pre-Secretary James Spader a 'C' grade? Despite being a complete jerk in Pretty in Pink, Spader became the stuff of my fantasies because 1) he looked hot in a white linen blazer - SO 80s and 2) he spent the entire movie openly smoking in the hallway, yet never got in trouble.
On a serious note, I loved John Hughes teen movies because the heroines were believable. Molly Ringwald in Pretty in Pink and Sixteen Candles was cute, but awkward, like most teenagers - not a sexy supermodel wearing glasses who gets a 'makeover' in the last five minutes of the movie and suddenly becomes hot. I could relate to her. Maybe I'm just getting old, but it seems like they don't make them like they used to.
RIP John: You will be missed. But you will live on forever in syndication!

To Tell Or Not To Tell?

2009-07-30T16:19:26Z

I'm in LA for a few days, but I was really interested to read The Frisky's take on whether or not you should tell a friend if you suspect that their partner has been cheating. I don't know if it's just my social circle, but my American and UK friends seem to be on completely opposite sides of this debate. My American friends all say they would want to know, while my UK pals almost universally wouldn't. They say that what happens between couples isn't any of my business, and that if the person getting the bad news chooses to believe the cheater, I could lose the friendship (this article calls this phenomenon 'shoot-the-messenger syndrome').

This is all true (and I have lost a friendship because I told someone I saw her man kissing someone else, which he denied...) but I still think that I would tell someone if I knew that their partner was screwing around. Because, at the end of the day, I would want someone to tell me.

Chris Brown apologises for 'incident'

2009-07-21T12:06:37Z

Chris Brown has released a video [via TMZ], in which he apologises for the 'incident' (a.k.a. the assault on Rihanna) and asking his fans to forgive him. He claims it's taken him this long to comment because his lawyers wouldn't let him speak out about the case. He adds that he's in counselling and says 'I intend to live my life so that I'm truly worthy of the word 'role model.'

Interesting that while he talks about 'what I've done', 'what happened', and 'what occurred,' he never actually calls it what it is: He punched his girlfriend in the face, choked her and bit her. Isn't part of an apology actually stepping up to the plate and taking responsibility for what happened? I have zero respect for such a half-arsed effort.

Diary of a Credit Crunch Break-Up

2009-07-20T08:57:49Z

A Daily Mail writer blames the recession for tearing apart her three-year relationship. At first, Charlotte's relationship with her boyfriend James was 'fun', because he cared about all of the things that she did, including 'clothes, magazines, and fashionable restaurants.' Over a first date of lobster and oysters, they fell in love.

The the credit crunch hit, and a night out at Scott's and holidays in Bali were replaced by nights sitting in front of the television.

Charlotte and James are not alone in believing that the good times would last forever, and if money is the most common cause of couples fighting, it's not a huge surprise that they decided to call it a day. Credit crunch divorces grabbed the big headlines, but for every banker's wife fighting over a multi-million pound settlement there are hundreds of Charlottes out there whose dreams now seem totally out of reach.

Reading this story, I can't help thinking that there has to be a silver lining to the break-up. I do believe that it's important to find a partner who you are just as happy eating kebabs with as sipping sake in Nobu. That's a good sign that you are ready to take the 'for richer, for poorer' vows.

But I think coming up with a good financial plan is just as crucial: Good communication will make you feel more in control when the unexpected happens, and you can talk about how you will split the bills, who pays for what, and a savings game plan if one of you loses your job. I work from home, like Charlotte, and when you stop having nights out it's hard to feel consistently sexy in a tracksuit, and all to easy to stop making an effort.

I feel for Charlotte and James, especially when she writes: 'While I was wishing he could be more supportive, he was probably wondering where the confident girl he met at that party had disappeared to. We had never experienced adversity in our relationship before, and had never had to support one another through hard times.'

In our consumer-driven society, how many other couples are dealing with this right now?

Hot For Teacher

2009-07-07T10:39:27Z

After reading about the PE teacher who worked as a gigolo and ran a brothel with his wife, I'm less worried about his so-called 'secret double life' and more worried about why the police are focusing their energies on this couple?

By day, Tim Black-Bowell was a teacher at a comprehensive in rural Kent. By night, he sold his body and managed a team of six other prostitutes with his wife Emma from a rented flat in Canturbury. He offered clients 'personal services by male and females for men, women and couples of all persuasions'. He drove the girls home after their shifts, so he seems to have had some concern for their safety. And the couple's operation was discovered during a Kent Police probe into illegal sex-trafficking from Eastern Europe, but the Blake-Bowells only used willing British women.

So the police confiscated a bunch of sex toys and massage oils, and 'uncovered' a lot of consenting adults who were conducting a business transaction. It seems that they would have more important things to focus on: Like climbing burglary rates, or violent crime?

Warning: Moralist says gay marriage turns men gay!

2009-07-04T11:31:03Z

At first I thought this was a joke: But this article on Beliefnet [via Jezebel] that discusses how women should fight societal acceptance of gay marriage, because homosexuality will become as normal as it was in ancient Rome, appears to be legit. Apparently, if gay marriage becomes the norm, all men will turn gay, because they are better lovers!

That's right ladies: 'the historical precedent suggests that tomorrow's women will have a harder time finding and holding on to suitable men,' who will leave us for 'smooth-skinned boys'.

People may feel more free to experiment in a tolerant climate, but sexual orientation doesn't 'flip' based on convenience. Maybe it's just me, but I think this piece says way more about the repressed desires of the earnest-looking author than it does about society.

The riddle of Michael Jackson's sexuality continues...

2009-06-30T17:24:59Z

The Daily Mail has a piece written by Michael Jackson's 'confidante' J. Randy Tarraborelli saying that it wasn't a sham marriage, because MJ had passionate sex with his then-wife Lisa Marie Presley. She told a friend that, far from being asexual, he was 'red hot' in bed.

But he still refused to stop having sleepovers with boys, and became obsessed with having children. She said later 'When I imagined having a child with him, all I could ever see was the custody battle nightmare.' It would appear that she made the right call.

Because according to TMZ, Debbie Rowe is NOT the biological mother of the older two children--she was merely the surrogate. This means her position re: custody (should she want it) is unique in California--she's not related to them, but she was his wife at the time of the birth. And Michael never formally adopted the kids. Of course, blood doesn't make a parent, but it's sad that these kids will likely grow up having no idea where they came from. Either way, it's a mess.

More women going down in the downturn...

2009-06-26T12:54:59Z

There's an interesting piece in Salon about women turning to sex work to support themselves during the downturn...like 'Marie', a 30-year-old former corporate supervisor who is now turning tricks on Craigslist.

Since peeing on a stranger in her own bed for $100, 'she's been paid more times than she can count, or cares to count, for sex, blow jobs, hand jobs and sensual massage.'

Marie is not alone. Strip clubs, X-rated Web cam companies and escort managers have reported an increase in job applications in the last several months -- ironically, at the same time that business is going through hard times.

Is sex work seen as a last resort for women? Or has the idea of hooking become more appealing than, say, working at Mcdonald’s for some people because the lives of high-class hookers have been more glamourised in the last few years through books and TV shows?

iPhone Vibrator

2009-06-19T16:10:56Z

Gizmodo has a review of MyPleasure.com's MyVibe application for the iPhone. The pros: It's a free, and a fun idea: It uses an on/off button and has up and down arrows that control the amount of vibration. The cons: It's limited to the amount of vibration that the iPhone produces. So the orgasmic potential seems pretty weak. And exchanging dirty texts is fine, but pressing a phone to your nether regions on a crowded Tube isn't exactly discreet.

For a first effort, it's not bad. But if a guy wanted to send a tingling sensation down south, wouldn't putting the phone on 'vibrate' and calling a few times have exactly the same effect?

Cameron Diaz Defends Child-free Women

2009-06-11T10:18:35Z

So Cameron Diaz has spoken out in defence of women who don't want children by telling Cosmopolitan magazine that women are 'afraid to say that they don't want children because they're going to get shunned.'

She's right. There are now more single people than couples in the UK, so childless women are becoming the norm. Still, women who admit that they don't want kids (or that they aren't sure/ it's not their top priority) are still regarded as a bit weird (or selfish) by society, which is crazy considering that we live in a very overpopulated world. Surely it's more selfish to have a child for the wrong reasons??

I think that children are fantastic, and I get genuinely excited every time one of my girlfriends is expecting. I throw them baby showers, and give them gifts. I don't ask them questions like, 'Why on earth would you want to squeeze something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a grapefruit?' So why do women with kids feel the need to feed me nuggets of wisdom like 'You will really regret not having kids; you should reconsider. There's nothing like the love of a child.'

Can't we all just support each other?

Want to live longer? Be a sugar daddy!

2009-06-05T15:41:53Z

So researchers have confirmed what Hugh Hefner figured out a long time ago: That men who marry younger women live longer. They say that men who hook up with women seven to nine years younger cut the risk of premature death by 11 percent ,while those with brides 15 to 17 years younger cut their chances of dying early by a fifth.

I assume, as the article concludes, that it may have something to do with natural selection: The most successful men with the most money (and presumably, access to the best health care) are able to attract younger women to keep them 'active' and later, act as nurses.

But why don't women experience the same benefit from the 'toy boy effect'? Women with husbands younger or older by between seven and nine years supposedly increase their chances of dying early by 20 percent.

What is the point of these rather vague studies anyway?

I love older men, but I hope that those women who happen to fall for someone younger ignore this data and live for the moment. Life is short, love is hard to find and there are a lot of us out there who would take six months with Ashton Kutcher over 10 years with Peter Stringfellow!

The female ejaculation debate...

2009-05-29T09:40:55Z

The New Scientist has a fascinating take on the always controversial topic of female ejaculation. The 'does it exist' debate has been going on for ages - re-ignited back in 2002 when material got cut from British Cum Queens (the censors argued that the actresses were urinating) and a feminist group argued that it should be put back in because some women could ejaculate (though most of what is happening in porn is staged!)

Beverly Whipple has provided the most groundbreaking research so far, by having women masturbate in laboratory conditions and produce fluid that was measured and found to be similar to the fluid produced by the prostate gland in men, and dissimilar to urine. And women have prostate tissue too, which definitely needs to be studied further. Which begs the question: In the 21st century, when human biology has been mapped so comprehensively, how can we know so little about female ejaculation?

Are smart girls really better in bed?

2009-05-13T07:48:52Z

The evidence keeps mounting up that brainy women really do have better sex - but researchers aren't talking about IQ. Instead, they say that women with high 'emotional intelligence' can have up to twice as many orgasms as their 'less switched-on sisters.'

Emotional Intelligence is the ability to express our emotions and to read the emotions of others, so it makes sense that women who are good at making themselves heard in an argument and negotiating compromise will have the confidence to helpfully point out where her clitoris is if he gets it wrong.

This doesn't surprise me: Women who have confidence and and can communicate their desires to their partner probably do have a much greater chance of getting what they want in bed. And they are probably also less likely to fake it when things aren't going well.

So it's much less about waiting for the 'perfect man' to push our buttons, and much more about knowing where they are so that we can show them. We would get so much more out of relationships--and even one-night-stands--if everyone just learned to ask for what they want.

Can We Trust the New Male Contraceptive Jab?

2009-05-08T09:07:04Z

Amanda Platell writes in the Daily Mail that she'll NEVER trust a man who says he's had the new contraceptive jab, and neither should any woman. Because apparently, 'men are wonderful creatures, but they are not to be relied upon.' How sexist. How ridiculous.

My male friends are thrilled about the introduction of the male jab, which could hopefully someday be an alternative to the female Pill. It's fantastic news for both men and women: Women will have the option of not bearing sole responsibility for pumping tons of hormones into their bodies every day in a long-term relationship, and men will have much more control over their fertility.

Platell's argument about the 'question of proof' is also ridiculous: Basically, she says that men are more likely to lie and say they've had the jab when they haven't. Hello, is this any different to women who lie and say that they are on the Pill, and end up getting pregnant?

If two people don't know each other well enough to trust that they may be lying or trying to 'trap' each other, someone should insist on a condom. Period. But for her to say 'deep inside every man who still has his own hair and teeth...is a sexual predator' seems a bit extreme. Both men and women lie sometimes, but I would definitely trust a long-term boyfriend to have the jab. Not all men are evil, and not all women are angels.